|
|
Friday, June 11th, 2004
|
12:00a - The Truth about Transformers
I felt compelled to write this, and I don't know why. It's not spell checked or untypofied or anything.. and it's LONG. Don't have anything to do with it but post it here. It's written like stand up comedy, but, like the only place anyone would get any of this is at like, an anime convention or something.
--
So, I've been an anime fan almost all my life.
Heck, when I was a kid, my favorite show was Tranzor Z.
My mother, she would sit me down in front of it, and I'd be entranced for hours.
Hours and hours.
Heck when I was four, I wanted to be a half man/half woman.
With the gigantimous boob and everything.
I wanted people to call me 'Yes Ma'amSir!'
And to me, that was normal!
Think about it.
You could walk into stores, all sneaky like.. sidle up to a clerk, all in profile.
He'll be all 'Hey baby,', and you'd turn, and he'd go, '..want some lunchmea-oh-shit..!'
But what I really loved when I was little was Transformers.
You know, there's something really novel about toys which can turn from like a tape recorder into a robot.
Plus they had the coolest noise ever when they transformed. It was all.. 'chooch-cha-etc.etc.'
All fast like that.
Of course, when you tried to transform the toys, you could never go as fast as the show.
It was all.. choo-che..chee..chaa..choo..cheeh..chang..chong..
Long and drawn out.
.. and you're standing there, all slowly transforming it, trying to time the noise coming from your mouth with the rate you move the parts, so it begins and ends when you finish with the toy, and you suddenly realize.
'My god, my Transformer's retarded!'
Of course, your Mom probably thinks the same thing of you right about then as you choo-chee-cha along there.
But then, that's why the Decepticons never won in any of your battles as a kid, either.
I mean, in the show, the Autobots and the Decepticons had pretty even ranks.
The Autobots, led by Optimus Prime..
"I'm Optimus Prime! I lead the good guys, and I'm also the voice of Eeyore! I'm an ass kicking tractor trailer! I can carry the shit out of jello packs, and run you the heck over!"
.. and then you have Megatron.
"I'm Megatron! Leader of the Decepticons! I plot world domination with things like fruit pies! I will CRUSH YOU as I turn into a handgun and get one of my henchmen to grab me and shoot me at you!"
Okay, bad example.
I mean, how could you be the leader and then turn into a handgun where your minions have to fire you?
Megatron must have all flipped off that computer that gave them their cool vehicle forms or something.
Teletran-1's all like, 'Shit, I'll make Starscream a cool ass fighter jet and Megatron a.... handgun.'
But the point is, when you bought the toys, you always had like 9 million Autobots, and like 3 Decepticons.
Of course you had Optimus Prime, Perceptor, Wheeljack, Brawn, because he DIDN'T DIE IN THE MOVIE!, and like, some bigass dude.. like Fortress Maximus, some other roman sounding Transformers like Elicious and Duodenum or something, and even the 3rd string guys. Like Bushwacker the Edge Trimmer and Groundshaker the Lawnmower and, uh, Wheelie.
And then for the Decepticons you had like, Soundwave, because even though he was a tape recorder, he was an ACTION PACKED tape recorder who could record the hell out the Autobots and send out a robotic bird to metal poop on you, and like, you had a Constructicon or three. Maybe Galvatron.
At one point you had Megatron, but you looked at him wrong.. and he broke in half.
All of those old transformers. You can set them up, and... they'll be there for 5 years. But one day, you look up, and eye him wrong.. and BAM, Megatron needs a wheelchair to command his evil army.
But like, anyway, the Decepticons were always like..
'Fuckin' Hell, man! We were just defeated by a lawn mower! And then Optimus Prime dropped some jello packs on us!'
'Shit, we need to do SOMETHING! Maybe team up with the My Little Pony over there in the corner who hangs out with Cobra Commander!'
And then Soundwave, because, Soundwave was awesome, would be like.. 'Shut up ya' gits, form Devestator!'
Because Soundwave spoke is a bad British accent and wasn't at all emotionless and robotic.
You'd then TRY to form Devestator, even though you knew well enough you only had like three pieces of him. You'd have like a leg, and Devestator's belly, and maybe an arm or something which you couldn't even connect to the rest of it.
So you'd have this parapalegic Transformer trying to attack Optimus Prime and his men and all that.
And he'd dump jello packs on you.
Because Optimus Prime, he's a trickster he is. And a pimp.
Of course, then you'd get Voltron for Christmas.
And not the cheapass plastic Voltron. You'd get the die-cast metal, top heavy, 1000 pound, if-I-fall-on-your-foot-you're-going-to-have-to-amputate Voltron.
And, feeling sorry for your Decepticons, you'd team him up with them. Give them a bit of legitimacy in this whole world domination game.
But he'd never be Voltron. You'd give him a cool new name. He'd be like, the evil Decepticon God of Death or something.
Because he'd obviously seen Gundam Wing before it was even ever conceieved. And that show created the word 'God of Death'. And 'yaoi'.
And you couldn't call him Lion-0 Man or something, because that was a Thundercat. Which also sounded too much like a Megaman robot, anyway. And you can't confuse the two. Thundercats and Megaman just don't go.
Anyway, he'd assume command and all this stuff, because, again, Megatron's gone all off to the old robots home in a wheelchair on you and Galvatron is all shorter than Voltron and all that rubbish.
But of course, even with Voltron, somehow Optimus and his rag tag crew of farming equipment would win, even if you'd lost both of Optimus' hands and the clips which held the back of his trailer on had snapped off when you were racing him down the banister one time seeing if he could fly.
And then he'd dump jello packs on Voltron.
But yeah, Transformers were great. Especially the movie.
When I saw it, I had to be five, and, you know, the dude who wrote the GI Joe Movie wrote the Transformers Movie.
So they decided, hey, if we're going to kill off Duke, the leader of GI Joe, let's kill off Optimus Prime, too.
Let's make children cry all over the world!
Of course, when Optimus Prime died, and every second grader in existance was in mourning over the death of their favorte tractor trailer, Hasbro was all..
'Oh snap, dawg.. we's can'ts be killin' Duke off now.'
So, they dub in these lines near the end of the flick, all like..
'HEY GUYS AND YOU TOO SGT. SLAUGHTER! NOW THAT YOU'VE SAVED THE WORLD AND AVENGED THE DEATH OF DUKE, WE WANTED TO RADIO INTO YOU AND SAY HE'S OKAY! HIS METAL SNAKE DEATH WOUND DID NOT KILL HIM DEAD, FOREVER, BUT IT ONLY TEMPORARILY KILLED HIM FOR LIKE 20 MINUTES. WE WERE JUST PLAYIN'.'
But yeah, the Transformers movie was cool.
One time, my friend and I were talking about the Transformers Movie, and I was talking about how the UK version is different than the US one.
And he's like.. what? Did they redub the voices or something?
Can you imagine?
'Cheerio, Optimus Prime!'
'Pip Pip Megatron!'
'I say, the sheen on your aluminium is, how do you say, *SMASHING*!'
And then you have the Dinobots and Grimlock all taking a break from fighting Devestator..
'ME GRIMLOCK WOULD LIKE A SPOT OF TEA.'
Such a stereotypical view of the British, but the truth isn't as funny a stereotype, is it?
Though, as for the Dinobots. What did people think of them?
I kind of always wondered how disguised the Transformers were after a while.
I mean.. did a person see Grimlock, and be like, 'HOLY CRAP, A GIGANTIC ROBOT!', and he'd transform and they'd be like.. 'PHEW, HE'S GONE! All I see now is this GIGANTIC METAL DINOSAUR!'
But even when they were cars and planes and spoons and stuff, they always had their logos all over their trans-forms.
Can you imagine that? A spoon with a decepticon logo on it?
Wheeljack would all come up, 'Optimus Prime.. I think Megatron has unleashed his new plan.. it deals with evil spoons which transform into forks so you can't eat your fruit loops.'
'How did you figure this out, Wheeljack!?'
'Well.. the spoons had the DECEPTICON logo on it.'
'How Diabolical!'
Because Optimus Prime said things like 'How Diabolical'!
And, of course, the triple changer version of the transforming spoon/fork could also turn into a spork.
But anyway, with those logos, all over their car and truck forms, what, did people think those were actual companies?
'Holy shit, it's the big evil robot face moving company!'
'Dude, check it out, they also make cars, too! Which mysteriously look like other cars already on the market!'
Maybe people thought it was a gang sign or something. I dunno.
I bet you there was some guy who was all late for the time when Optimus saved the First National Bank from Megatron's evil Smuggling Plan and thought those logos were so cool, he put a Decepticon logo on his pinto, and then he followed around Megatron and his minions like they were a gang or something. Trying to fit in.
He really wanted a fighter plane instead of a pinto, but, hey, he had a cool logo on it.
And then, Megatron was all doling out orders one day.
'Allright, Thundercracker, and Ramjet, go and.. find yourselfs better names! And you.. uh.. uh.. you over there, uh Pint.. Pintonium, was it? You, uh.. go get us some Energon Donuts from the Quickie Market on Cybertron.. There's a space bridge over there, which never works for like a 1000 episodes and is abandoned from the entire show for no reason later on. It's big and purple and looks like a donut.. get us some.. all donuts come from in there.'
I really have nowhere to go from here. Other than to say, pie is better than donuts.
Megatron would totally want pie over donuts, but, if I said pie, the joke would have never worked.
Though, you could argue, it doesn't work now.
(10 comments |comment on this)
|
|
|
|
![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
ashuraou's journal